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Random Funnies

I always forget about this thread and I'm always coming across funnies
 

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better than my sad, sad closet today. I'm still gonna try to water them. I had left my ph meter, ph down, 1 ml syringe in the kitchen so I could prep the water on the counter where the dechlorinated bottles are ... stuff got moved. I wish I had one of those mechanics roller chairs right now. Or that my nephew would reply to a text. He has had my air compressor all summer, slow leak tire here, car hasn't moved in over 2 weeks. I don't feel like driving to the gas station when I own a dang air compressor. Am I wrong?
 
Puglover1 . Drive to your nephew's house and tell him to air up your tire. Whilst the compressor is compressing find something that belongs to your nephew and chuck it in your trunk. Not something he's borrowed from a neighbor or other family member. Anything with a motor is fine. Preferably a single stroke gasoline machine. Something he'll miss.
Go home and wait until your tire needs fill up. When it does, tell him to bring back the compressor and fill up your tire or he will never see his single stroke gasoline machine, again and never know who his real parents are.
You know, extortion!
 
not re the tire, but he doesn't know I was in hosp for 10 days. I texted him asking him to pH my water bottles which should have piqued his curiosity for crying out loud. I wanted them OK so my petcare helper could water the plants. Then I was so sick, labs crazy off everywhere, weird pneumonia, not right in the head, I was texting him. I read back, he should've known something was wrong by my texts. Then my phone went black screen of death because some hospital worker plugged my phone to charge after I played spotify for 2 days to use up the power to recharge it with a high quality portable charger that I won. I had to drain the power, again. Four days. I got it working when I got home but it's not going to last. I wanted him to change my SIM card to my previous Samsung Galaxy until I got better. Luckily 911 goes through without data or nobody would've known I was sick, I couldn't stand up, couldn't even get to my front door bc of baby gates. Fell 3 times trying to stand up, I still have laminate 'rash' on my knees, legs and arm. I spent 2 hours scooching around and dragging ass in my kitchen to get to a black wire I saw on the counter, from the floor, it was a phone! I quit texting him, prolly had a scan or something, he quit texting too. My brother/his father dropped dead from a widow maker at a pool party, age 50, no will, on third wifey of 10 months. Nephew got 2/3 of half the estate, a free house and cash, my grandmother's house, that half of my dad's WWII pay went toward. When my mom died I bought nephew a used Taurus, they never take care of vehicles. So his mom, brother and the nephew have no house payment because of my family's 'wealth'. But he can only come out to help me when he can use his mom's car. She doesn't work, they live across from the PD and a block from downtown, I'm 1.5 miles from downtown. Right now, and he doesn't know it, he's not in my will. My house goes to the friend who is my pets' second mom, I think the cat likes her more than he does me. They wouldn't get split up and will stay in the only home the pugs have known. Whenever nephew needed help I was there for him. A 2 a.m. call from County needing a ride home, my car was on E and there was extremely dense fog, I went and got him. Plus other things. I won't throw in anyone's face favors I've done, without hesitation. But if they don't remember or can't reciprocate in dire times they're off my list, getting too old and sick for the BS. Friend since the nursery, partners in crime in HS, is on blood thinners, the pugs missed a nail appt. But she has helped me with rides, stuff I needed in hosp, and brought hubby over to sit out back with the pugs so she could go inside my house w/o bleeding legs to get what I needed or to let them out for the last time each night. How you learn your true friends, most of y'all on here or Twitter friends would've helped me if anyone lived near NC Illinois. I made a Facebook post asking if any local friends were going to Ottawa that day, many people do for work or the dispensary, nada. Both pugs were out of Rx food, two different foods. I had to do Chewy and improvise until the order arrived. If not for my rare disease info/support groups I'd have ditched FB years ago. Nephew's mom is anti-vaxxer and sharer of disinfo on FB, she's got him so cynical sometimes I can't even converse with him. I was friends with her before she ever dated my brother. Good friends with most of her 9 siblings. Was there when her mom was on her last day, dying from cancer. I don't remember any of them visiting my dad when he was in hosp for 3 months dying from a glioblastoma. I fed him supper every night after work, I worked 45 hours/week then spent weekends at the hospital, to help my mom. I don't understand some people and I'm no dummy. Nephew told me, twice, that I'm not as smart as I think I am. He quit HS freshman year. I graduated 10th in class, a semester early, my ACT scores qualified me for MENSA membership. I try to maintain a relationship with him, it ain't easy. Sorry for the novella. I have stuff I need to get off my chest, there's a neoplasm or pneumonia taking up space, lol.
 
You know what I just remembered? My brother knocked up a girl, she didn't push the paternity issue. I went to the hospital when the baby was born. I have her first Christmas card w/photo, I see my nephew as a baby all over her facial features. I have no one to give this info to, in case of a health issue/transplant, etc.. I have a great memory and a photographic memory. I wish I could record myself or type the stuff up for when I'm gone.
 
You have rendered me speechless. ME!!! I have a brother but I tell people either he died when I was young or I'm an only child. It's a perfect relationship. All other relations are dead or unknown to me.
 
I have a brother 6 yrs older, never got along. He pulled his arm back threatening to punch me in the face in my driveway, still owes me money from mom/parents' estate. I stood my ground, didn't flinch. he wouldn't last a day in County. He became dead to me that day.
 
The 84 year old gal at the end of my complex walks past my house every day and one day I noticed her making a big circle past my yard so I asked her what was up. She said “ you have a skunk living under your deck ! I can smell it “
So I explained that it was the plant, and she grabbed the top and bent it over under her nose and gave it a big old sniff just like she’d seen Cheech & Chong 100 times. “That’s it “ she cried... anyway, it was funny at the time...
 

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sad thing is that my nephew's 6 yr old sister was abducted half block from home, in our little 5500 pop. town in 1991, taken to a barn in Iowa. Raped, sodomized then murdered in the morning because hunters' gunshots scared her, he strangled her with a wire to shut her up. While we searched for 13 days she was already dead. Maggots took over. She called my dad Grandpa, sweetest little girl you could ever meet. Nephew has another sister but doesn't know it. Perp was sentenced to death but our felonious governor commuted all death sentences. We paid for all the appeals which cost more than housing him for life, which we're doing now. He was released from a TX prison after serving months on a 10-year sentence for being a child molester. https://law.justia.com/cases/illinois/supreme-court/1995/74636-7.html
 
"On October 2, 1978, Tim Allen was arrested in the Kalamazoo-Battle Creek International Airport for possession of over 650 grams (1.4 lb) of cocaine. He subsequently pleaded guilty to drug trafficking, and provided the names of other dealers in exchange for a sentence of three to seven years, instead of possible life imprisonment. He was paroled on June 12, 1981 after serving 2 years and 4 months in the Federal Correctional Institution in Sandstone, Minnesota."

The moustache gave him away
 

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The grower across the river throws all his branches and trim down to the rivers edge and says the beaver will dispose of them. Thought I’d give it a try. And that’s why the beaver is our national animal...
 

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