I am realizing i am a hair away form losing my mind. The dog that people seem to think is dead is not dead yet, but she cant walk hardly and i have to hold her up to piss and shit. She falls down at least 6 times a day and i usually wake up to piss or shit smeared into the carpet. This is not a new occurrence and has been going on for the past year. I took her to the doc a month ago and as a hail mary they started giving her steroids to increase her appetite as she had lost 10 lbs in the past few months. The appetite returned but now that is all she thinks of. Every moment she is awake she begs for food. So much i literally have to shut her in a room or shut myself in a room to make her stop. The issue is that i do this every day and have done this every day for a year. I didnt notice that it had been slowly chipping away at my sanity but this episode made it clear to me. I just bottle it up and every once and a while it leaks out and whoever is in the way gets shit on. That is not right and not fair to the community. I used to be patient but cant lie to myself anymore. It is bringing up bad memories of my mom who was bedridden for 3 years before she died 13 years ago. To be honest, i pushed away friends, quit my job and literally sit in my room waiting to feed my dog or clean up one of her messes and i thought initially that i was being a good dog owner by doing this. Now days, i literally just want her to die so i can be released from this hell. I resent her, like i did my mom and feel stupidly selfish for feeling that way which in turn makes me hate myself. People tell me that i need to take care of myself, but if i do that who is going to take care of my baby? Even though she has cognitive and physical issues it doesnt look like she wants to die and i just cant bring myself to put her down. Mostly this is just me getting things off my chest, but it also serves as an indication to the people i have been rude to that it is never about them. I'm not in a good place and it was never your fault for asking a question. IDK really why i am saying this to be honest but i felt like i had to get it off my chest. I know this mostly has nothing to do with growing weed and apologize for the rant. I dont have anyone to talk to so sorry.